There Is No Yoga Body

I The Ideal Yoga Body Is A Colonial Construct

I saw this brilliant post on IG about fat yogis that explored this topic by sharing images of famous yogis in the past. OP was talking about how he was not considered a real yogi because his athletic build meant he did not "fit in" with the idea of the lean, slim ascetic-looking Indian male. Needless to say, he asked us to think critically about where this stereotype comes from, and how we can divest from it.

This also reminds me of an article on CNN I read once about how it is not accurate to say that your metabolism slows down when you age because research has shown it does not slow down drastically in middle age. That your lifestyle like how much you move throughout your day has more of an impact on how fast or slow you burn calories.

As I reflect upon how yoga has impacted my body dysmorphia, I think it is an important reminder that body weight has nothing to do with how good you are at yoga. Weight has nothing to do with your yoga.

Let me say again: weight has nothing to do with how advanced you are at your asana practice.

I saw a photo of me in wheel pose during my 200-hr yoga training in 2019. I could see all of my ribs in the photo. This is about 6 months after about a year and a half of a rigid fitness practice. My life was about movement. 

I worked out in group fitness or yoga classes 6-7x a week. At the time, I had a membership to Equinox (it was new and the membership rates were "lower" compared to US or other locations FYI) and a membership to my hot yoga studio. I was stressed out all the time from work, and I was in a long-distance relationship so I retreated into my fitness. I prioritized my self care into my fitness - I needed to move and not to think.

Eventually, I lost interest in the latest fitness fad and focused on my yoga practice. But I had by then an unhealthy habit of keeping a running Note of how many times I went to a 90-minute hot yoga practice each month. I was so proud of myself when I went from 6 classes a month to 14 or 16 classes a month.

That's a lot of sweat.

It resulted in an unstoppable craving for salty soups immediately after practice, of feeling faint and dizzy and of not being able to hear in my ears for the first half hour after practice. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. It impacted me after the first hour and hours later. I could be stretching my legs and inadvertently overstretch the arches of my feet, leaving me to feel like I popped a vein in my feet, and I would have to massage it back to its place. It was what I wanted - I wanted to feel tired. Too tired to think.

I was thinner due to the loss of water weight. Which is also, a mirage. Meaning that you gain the water weight back, and it doesn't really matter, anyways because you eat more because you have more of an appetite. Although some parts of me felt thinner, I was also bloated and unaffected in other areas. 

The thing is, the obsession on how my body looked was not helping me deepen my yoga practice. 

I was focused on the vanity metric i.e. how did my body look versus what was I actually learning about my body?

II How Yoga Spaces Promote Body Dysmorphia and Disordered Eating

Last fall I recently went back to my local hot yoga studio. There is this one teacher that I don't particularly care for (inappropriate male teacher) but I thought that it would be fine (HAHA). In one class I went to, he said that if you want to lose weight, eat less.

I was immediately offended. How dare he! Also, that's not even how health works! He tried to backtrack after realizing how wrong it sounded by then saying something about how we should enjoy the food we eat. But the damage was done, and we all know what he was trying to get at. 

I was left wondering who he was talking about in the room. With my body dysmorphia, I noticed I've gained weight and been thicker in my shoulders, my back, and waist, which is natural, considering we've been in a pandemic and it's been a lifestyle adjustment. Which is why when I got my photos taken two summers ago, I noticed my body had changed.

It was taken during the time when I was having my chocolate milkshake once a week. I had been self-soothing through comfort food. I liked my photos, but the more I stared at it, the more I realized I was seeing a huskiness to me that I wasn't used to seeing.

During the pandemic, I lost weight, and I gained weight. This was during a time when I had extra pounds, but I remember feeling my body dysmorphia come out, and it was the same feeling that the yoga teacher drew out in me.

Of feeling unhappy with my yoga practice. Like I wasn't good enough because I didn't look like a yoga practitioner, because it stems from this insidious idea that all yogis must be svelte. 

No matter what my weight, the more years I work on my yoga asana practice, I become:

• Intuitive.

• Self aware.

• Spatially aware of my body in time and space. 

• Physically stronger because I listened to my body. 

• Compassionate to my self and better able to be compassionate to others.

These are not the vanity metrics - these are the things that make the practice nourishing and sustainable.

When we focus on these goals, we have more patience with ourselves. We take the yoga off the mat. 

I have hesitated to talk about my body dysmorphia because I also recognize I am able-bodied and small. It's also annoying to see thin-bodied influencers highjack the HAES movement too or use anti-diet language to promote, well, dieting lifestyle.

But I think it's important to talk about the cost of worrying about vanity metrics when it comes to our health and well-being. 

When I thought about my calories, about being a smaller size, I wasn't focused on my actual health, of learning the practice, of understanding how my body worked.

And that's the thing that pissed me off. The patriarchal way of thinking about my self, my worth and value, and my standards of beauty were taking over me again. I was allowing that yoga teacher's unsolicited opinion impact me enough to upset my equilibrium. Because I had a strong reaction because it is still a wound for me - that I was angry with myself because on some level, a part of me agreed with him. Even for a second, I had betrayed myself when I saw my body as anything other than good and worth loving. And I hated myself, on top of everything else, for that, and was even doubly angry for recognizing it. 

We learn our lesson but sometimes it comes up again. It doesn't mean we haven't grown or we are going to fall into old patterns. Being aware, and of having someone to create a safe space to process is important. 

This is why I love what Bernie Clark says about bodies, that every body's body is different. Which is why things like having to look the same in every asana pose just doesn't make sense. That self regulating your practice is the goal. 

My hot yoga practice is much stronger now when I'm going 1-3x a week than when I was going 15x a month.  

Because I have built a relationship with my body that is built on radical self love, on radical rest. 

And while some days, it's so obvious to me that there is no yoga body, I know that other days I need a gentle reminder because our healing process is not linear. 

It's ok to relearn the same lesson. 

It's ok to know something and not be able to feel it in your bones. 

It's ok because we are human.

Written By: Irene Lo